Friday, April 19, 2019

Thank you TGN

Just want to give a quick thank you to my friends at www.thegreatestnever.win for writing a post about my site. You guys are great and I truly appreciate it! I hope this allows more people to connect with both your blog and my own, happy typing!

Early Illness & Addiction

At a young age I was diagnosed with ADHD. I had terrible problems paying attention to most things, could never sit still, and was rather annoying overall. This lead to me getting scolded quite harshly and often by parents and teachers alike, though Ill go into that more later.

 It also made me by default an easy target for being relentlessly bullied and picked on by the majority of my peers. This began as early as pre-k and kindergarten and persisted through most of my experience with elementary and primary school up until about 10th grade. In the future I'll discuss this in more depth.

At about 12 I was taken to a psychiatrist and diagnosed with depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. Though I was a relatively well functioning kid, albeit quiet different and bearing a lot of issues. I had a lot of friends, though most of them were also mentally ill, and didn't fit in with the more normal crowds at school. I did alright with girls, I had a few girlfriends throughout high school, though most of them were from other schools due to having a very questionable reputation at my own school for being an annoying, nerdy, somewhat feminine, and being different in general.

By my freshman year I was smoking cigarettes, by my sophomore year I was drinking hard liquor and smoking cannabis, by 11th grade experimenting with drugs like ecstasy/mdma, xanax, prescription amphetamines, and lsd. Unfortunately by my senior year I had found myself addicted to prescription opioids. These included, hydrocodone, oxycodone, codeine, and tramadol. Towards the end of my senior year, I stopped using after a rather intense trip on psilocybin. Though I became a heavy alcoholic.

Despite all the drug use I was a pretty good student, I graduated in the top 10 of my class, and went on to university (where I continued to use a lot of drugs, though staying away form opiates for quite awhile.) Though eventually finding myself in a mental hospital where I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, or manic/depressive disorder (though this diagnoses would later be changed to bi polar type 2) aswell as poly substance abuse disorder.

Shortly after I took medical leave and returned home. On the positive side, I continued school at my local community college, returned to my old highschool job as a dishwasher at a local restaurant, on the negative side: I had become addicted to suboxone, an opioid which has been dubbed by many 'synthetic heroin' and often times sought out other drugs like alcohol, benzodiazapines, and anti-histamines to enhance the high. I stopped using for awhile due to being in a relationship though when that ended I quickly returned to my old ways, though a bit smarter and more controlled due to having been through it so many times. This is where I am currently, a long with learning how to cope with the symptoms of bi polar disorder. Whether I'm using or not, a good portion of my time Is spent in a fierce battle with myself to want to keep living. Sometimes its the oppsite and I love myself so much that I become a self centered, attention/validation/vanity seeking maniac who never shuts up.

Sometimes it gets even worse and I experience delusions, hillucinations, and paranoid thought patterns. Sometimes I experience magical thoughts and become stuck thinking absurd things in a detatched state and become very irritable with anyone who tries to communicate with me, this is just a small sample of the things I experience.

Introductin

Hello World,
I do not wish to reveal my name or where I'm from, or many personal details about my life for that matter. I merely sought a place talk about my experiences and struggles with mental illness and addiction anonymously. I am a 20 year old addict and alcoholic You may call me SWIM or ANON.